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[swordhardy]

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[pushpin]

for the better ?

[... not an easy question to answer]

[it's a lesson he has yet to learn (or maybe unlearn) and he knows it, but he still isn't eager to push himself down that sort of path to change]

usually figure itll do the opposite a what i intended

[swordhardy]

That's a hard one. In the end, I guess... yeah

Asking?

[pushpin]

thats good
neither answer would really change anything though

yea
or the answers

[swordhardy]

It wouldn't. What about you? Things change?

Gotcha. That's fine, then

[pushpin]

just things in general or like what i want ?

im not good w/ words or understandin people so i usually get it wrong
& i dont want that
so til i figure some things out on my own theres just some stuff i cant ask

[swordhardy]

Both

I understand that. If it ever gets to be too much, just know you don't have to do that alone

[pushpin]

yea things changed
as for what i want..... no
& i dont think it ever will
but im startin to think maybe i can have more than 1 without the 1st gettin threatened

huh ? but thats...
it aint somethin anybody else can help w/

[swordhardy]

Can I ask what that is? What hasn't changed

I didn't say help

[pushpin]

yea
i just wanna do right by my ma
take care a her & make sure she aint wantin for nothin

i dont get it

[swordhardy]

And you're not looking to go home?

Saying what you're thinking, even if you're not looking for an answer. That's what I mean — it's okay to mess up. I'm .... probably not explaining this right? Because you don't have to say anything either, if you just wanted to sit in silence together while you figure it out... that would be fine too

[pushpin]

im sendin her money
dont try to talk me outta it, u wouldnt be the 1st

yea i know
& i like it sometimes
usually
but i wanna know the people i consider important to me more than that too
to have the courage to say things about myself & their confidence in knowin they can do the same
u know ?

[swordhardy]

Why would I try to talk you out of it? It's your choice

So that's how it is. Yeah, I understand. And I respect you for it

[pushpin]

i dunno people just do & it pisses me off
guess i shoulda figured ud be different

yea ?
here i thought ud be disappointed

[swordhardy]

What you do is your business. I can't say I'm not curious as to why, though. You miss her, don't you?

" a lil
but theres plenty u dont talk about
even as simple as u are
& thats fine "

[pushpin]

all the time
we need the money

.....u really gotta stop quoting me at myself, its embarrassing

[swordhardy]

It's harder to make back there?

Nah

[pushpin]

yea war harder
u gotta have good grades in school to get a job & a lotta places wont hire u in the first place bcoz u dont got open availability​
i was tryna get expelled but.....
eh thats a whole other story

what a dick

[swordhardy]

Grades? If you can do the job, what's that matter for? And you know I'm going to want to hear a story if you mention it

Yep. And sometimes I like your words better

[pushpin]

i wish i knew but it does
everythings like that, as if sittin in a desk & writing answers on a test counts for anything
idk i suck at school
goddamn it
yea
its not really that long i just got into a lot of fights & this guy offered me a position but fucked me over instead
um
do u know jian yi ? the guy here

thats fine but i want to hear urs sometimes too

[swordhardy]

I wasn't great at it either. If it's not about swords it's not really interesting. Anyway... uh. Is that the one with the soft hair and bright smile? I saw him on markr once

We talk a lot. I'm surprised you're not tired of mine by now

[pushpin]

i think ud legitimately go nuts if u had to sit in a desk all damn day haha
yea thats him
dont get drawn in by him though hes trouble
not the fun kind either

nuh uh

[swordhardy]

Is he the one that screwed you over?

It'll happen eventually, I'm sure

[pushpin]

....no
hes the 1 who bailed me out

no pressure

[swordhardy]

Okay, not where I was expecting this to go, but sure. What happened?

[pushpin]

um alright
so this guy i knew had a gang & made pretty good profit from it
after i ran w/ him & his boys for a while he had a deal for me
one of em got stuck w/ theft at school & his parents were willin to pay for someone else to take the blame
itd get me expelled, paid, & he had an opening at his familys bar so really it was a win/win
but he lied to me & it was for molestin a younger girl at another school
i said i wouldnt take the fall for somethin disgusting like that but bcoz of my rep nobody belived me
jian yi came up w/ proof & got me off the hook

& this was after........
well
i put his best friend in the hospital right after we first met